=><= ''This Quiz will determine, once and for all, which ESPS Module is right for you.'' <==> Note that this tool is not endorsed by Andrew King, although that'd be pretty amazing if it was, given there's at least two instances of the word "fuck". Despite this, all of the modules used in this quiz actually exist! Don't let that put you off. Especially if you end up with //ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why.// [[Click here to start the quiz.]]

=><= ''First one's easy: what's your specialisation?'' <==> [[Political Theory]] [[Comparative Politics]] [[International Relations]] [[Philosophy]] [[History]] [[Law]] [[Economics]] [[Geography]] [[Urban Planning]] [[I'm one of those first years that hasn't got one yet]] [[I'm one of those nobheads who's got more than one specialisation]] [[I am the physical embodiment of Andrew King, and therefore have all the specialisations, for I am all-powerful and all-knowing, as far as modern science is concerned]]

(set: $specialisation to "pol") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "com") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "ir") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "phi") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "his") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "eco") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "geo") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "urb") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "fir") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $specialisation to "nob") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $worst to "bre") =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Stockholm]] [[Andrew King]]

(set: $worst to "bac") =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Stockholm]] [[Andrew King]]

(set: $worst to "kri") (if: $specialisation is "ir")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS6124: Trying Not To Display An Overt Contempt for Kristin Bakke'' <==> Wow. Two questions in and we already caught you. I guess that's a lot of work, huh? Well, at least you're apparently not overtly fussed about Brexit. Or the Circle Line. On this module, you'll learn about the Norwegian accent, how to use "Comiserations" as a reasonable email sign-off, and far more than you ever wanted to about semi-recognised states in the Caucauses. The assessment for this module is continuous and requires an exemption to all EU policy on fisheries. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:)[ =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Stockholm]] [[Andrew King]]]

(set: $worst to "ber") =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Stockholm]] [[Andrew King]]

(set: $worst to "eur") =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Stockholm]] [[Andrew King]]

(set: $worst to "and") =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Stockholm]] [[Andrew King]]

(set: $worst to "cir") =><= ''Next: If you had to choose one city to live in for the rest of your life, which would it be?'' <==> [[Paris (do you even do ESPS?)]] [[London]] [[Berlin]] [[Stockholm]] [[Moscow, or somewhere else equally Slavic]] [[Andrew King]]

(set: $live to "par") =><= ''Question number four. What annoys you most?'' <==> [[Amanda Greene's means of addressing students]] (if: $worst is "cir") [ [[The Circle Line thing. Really gets on my tits.]] ] (else:) [ [[When I claim I specialise in Urban Planning and people say this is is "fake news"]] ] [[A failure to appreciate quality puns]] [[When I don't get to take the history modules I want]] [[Remoaners]] [[People criticising my vegetarianism (or other fun lifestyle choice, e.g slav squatting)]]

(set: $live to "lon") =><= ''Question number four. What annoys you most?'' <==> [[Amanda Greene's means of addressing students]] (if: $worst is "cir") [ [[The Circle Line thing. Really gets on my tits.]] ] (else:) [ [[When I claim I specialise in Urban Planning and people say this is is "fake news"]] ] [[A failure to appreciate quality puns]] [[When I don't get to take the history modules I want]] [[Remoaners]] [[People criticising my vegetarianism (or other fun lifestyle choice, e.g slav squatting)]]

(set: $live to "ber") (if: $worst is "ber") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS9999: I’ve Been to Berghain and You Haven’t, Ha Ha Ha I Am Laughing At You'' <==> This module is just one lecture when a man who has been to Berghain (who might be Mark Hewitson in a mask, we're not sure) laughs at you for an hour. You get 0.5 credits if you can sit through the lecture, but they don't take the register until the end. Also apparently the lecturer is also a bouncer, so you can never go back to Berghain ever again. Sorry. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:)[ =><= ''Question number four. What annoys you most?'' <==> [[Amanda Greene's means of addressing students]] (if: $worst is "cir") [ [[The Circle Line thing. Really gets on my tits.]] ] (else:) [ [[When I claim I specialise in Urban Planning and people say this is is "fake news"]] ] [[A failure to appreciate quality puns]] [[When I don't get to take the history modules I want]] [[Remoaners]] [[People criticising my vegetarianism (or other fun lifestyle choice, e.g slav squatting)]]]

(set: $live to "mos") =><= ''Question number four. What annoys you most?'' <==> [[Amanda Greene's means of addressing students]] (if: $worst is "cir") [ [[The Circle Line thing. Really gets on my tits.]] ] (else:) [ [[When I claim I specialise in Urban Planning and people say this is is "fake news"]] ] [[A failure to appreciate quality puns]] [[When I don't get to take the history modules I want]] [[Remoaners]] [[People criticising my vegetarianism (or other fun lifestyle choice, e.g slav squatting)]]

(set: $live to "and") (if: $specialisation is "and") [ (if: $worst is "and") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0001: Andrew King: The Beginning and End of Everything'' <==> This module was created in response to an overwhelming series of lurid messages sent to ESPS Programme Administrator Andrew King via Whatsapp in the summer of 1492. A flurry of paragraphs in one of the later letters revealed that the sender knew the secrets of the ESPS Programme Administrators. After all, how does someone end up with the surname "King" without a good reason? It turns out the man's actually omnipotent, omnipresent and omnivorous, which explains the rapid email reply speed, his continued appearance in ESPS memes, and his love of chicken caesar salad, respectively. On this module, you'll learn about all three of those things, and literally nothing else - because revealing the secrets of the Andrew King letters would mean the end of days. Also UCL has a strict privacy policy. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] ] (else:)[ =><= ''Question number four. What annoys you most?'' <==> [[Amanda Greene's means of addressing students]] (if: $worst is "cir") [ [[The Circle Line thing. Really gets on my tits.]] ] (else:) [ [[When I claim I specialise in Urban Planning and people say this is is "fake news"]] ] [[A failure to appreciate quality puns]] [[When I don't get to take the history modules I want]] [[Remoaners]] [[People criticising my vegetarianism (or other fun lifestyle choice, e.g slav squatting)]]]

(set: $annoy to "ama") (if: $specialisation is "phi") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS6025: Amanda Greene Reads a Book At You But Pronounces About 62% Of The Words Mildly Incorrectly '' <==> You love philosophy, don't you? So you probably love Amanda Greene. The effortless rhetoric. The flat whites. The... inability to say words that do not exist in the Carolina vernacular. Any current third year wil regale you with Amanda Greene's ability to pull off calling one Duncan Salkovskis "Mr. S" without seeming like a //massive twat//. So, just wait until you see her trying to pronounce "pyrrhonism". The assessment for this module is one unsurprisingly massive essay on a really vague question. For example: //"But, like, ''how'' does a morality?"// This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]]

(set: $annoy to "cir")(if: $worst is "cir") [ (if: $live is "lon") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS1863: Let’s Just Be Pedantic About the Tube Map for 10 Weeks '' <==> So, you really like the Tube. Or really hate it. Either way, you'd probably be prepared to study it for 10 straight weeks, as would a surprisingly high number of other students. However, UCL really struggled to come up with any content or assessment for this module, which is why there isn't any. You just sort of go into a seminar room once a week and argue about whether the interchange at King's Cross is efficient or not. Also sometimes Andrew King is there or Alessandro Spano tries to provoke you (they wouldn't let us classify it as an ESPS module unless we added that last bit). This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] ] (else:)[ =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]]

(if: $specialisation is "urb") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS9871: No Way Do You Actually Specialise In Urban Planning, Seriously, Shut The Fuck Up, I Don’t Believe You'' <==> Shut your fucking mouth. Ask Andrew King what your specialisation is. I dare you. If you ask him he will be contractually obliged to call the police. Urban planning doesn't exist. Stop lying to yourself and everyone you love. Stop. This. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:)[ =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]]

(set: $annoy to "pun") =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]

(if: $specialisation is "his")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0476: I Didn’t Agree To Studying Ancient Rome, This Is Bollocks'' <==> Oh history student, I feel your pain. As Andrew King says, this happens every few years: one of the disciplines doesn't get quite what it asked for. Still, not that bad right? Churchill for Cicero? Lloyd George for Marcus Aurelius? Liberte, egalite et fraternite for... et tu, brute? Sounded //way// funnier in my head. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:)[ =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]]

(set: $annoy to "rem") =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]

(set: $annoy to "veg")(if: $live is "mos") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS5684: Am I Really a Slav?'' <==> This module is taught by Professor Mart Kuldkepp. At one point Mart thought he might be a Slav. Then he tried to do a "slav squat" and it was just really disappointing for everyone involved. Of course, most of the people who take the module are notably more Slavic than him, meaning that the module mostly consists of teaching Mart Kuldkepp how to be a Slav. Assessment for this module is a continuous assessment of your ability to use the Russian insult "пошел на хуй" (best translated //"go sit on a dick"//) in your social life. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Five. If you had to write an article for Eureka, what would it be?'' <==> [[Something related to either cutting, lowering, or reducing some sort of rent]] [[A thoughtful thinkpiece on just how much you're currently being fucked by Brexit]] [[A piece on how important net neutrality is]] [[A Buzzfeed style listicle of 8 nice photos of Emmanuel Macron]] [[A satirical piece highlighting the similarity between the words 'breakfast' and 'brexit' that suggests using pork sausages as an immigration deterrent]] [[A literal transcript of the Soviet National Anthem]] [[Something arty, maybe about club culture or perhaps even French rap]]]

(set: $specialisation to "and") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]

(set: $live to "sto") =><= ''Question number four. What annoys you most?'' <==> [[Amanda Greene's means of addressing students]] (if: $worst is "cir") [ [[The Circle Line thing. Really gets on my tits.]] ] (else:) [ [[When I claim I specialise in Urban Planning and people say this is is "fake news"]] ] [[A failure to appreciate quality puns]] [[When I don't get to take the history modules I want]] [[Remoaners]] [[People criticising my vegetarianism (or other fun lifestyle choice, e.g slav squatting)]]

(set: $eur to "ren")(if: $annoy is "veg") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS2222: Checking Your Privilege with Red Stripe'' <==> This module is one hundred per cent bona fide self explanatory. BYOB. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]](else:) [ =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]] ]

(set: $eur to "fuc") (if: $worst is "bre")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS6666: Help, All Our Careers Have Been Jointly Fucked By The British Proletariat '' <==> You were probably going to become an EU diplomat, weren't you? Or move somewhere more sunny than Grimsby. Well, fuck you. Fuck you and your ambitions. We're all going to stay here and die in pools of fish and chips and our own naivete. The assessment for this module is being unemployed. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]] ] (else:)[ =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]] ]

(set: $eur to "net")(if: $live is "sto") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS2015: Henry Winckle Studies'' <==> This module was inaugurated after one specific student incited a very specific series of union rules that enabled him to start his own module with the proviso that he was the only one who was allowed to take it. If this quiz works, the only person who should be seeing this page is one Henry "The Winckler" Winckle. And if not, well, Fuck. This module is worth 0 credits and the assessment is only available in Swedish or "Australian" (the convenor was adamant this is not English). This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]] ]

(set: $eur to "mac")(if: $live is "par") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS2017: Theories on Expressing A Thinly Veiled Affection for Emmanuel Macron'' <==> This module is compulsory for all French ESPS students, on the basis that, if they were of age in 2017, they either a) voted for Emmanuel Macron or b) have no soul. Therefore, this module both teaches a platonic love of Macron and also how to expertly hide it. Learn all about: - Mildly effective policies that only incite //some// violence! - What Philippe Marliere thinks about all this! (Not that you asked) - What Jean-Luc Melenchon would have done about all this! (jk lol) Probably the most ESPS Module since //ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why//. Nice one. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]] ]

(if: $annoy is "pun") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0624: Breakfast Means Breakfast '' <==> You are clearly a connosieur of ambitious pun-based rhetoric. Please find below the entire module transcript for ESPS0624. As a proud Brit, the recent debate on whether a Hard Breakfast or a Soft Breakfast is better is worrying for two reasons. For a start, the government should surely not be getting involved in people’s choice of food. In doing so, they lower themselves to the level of the unelected bureaucrat left wing liberal luvvie remoaner Jean-Claude Juncker Jeremy Corbyn identity politics PC brigade stringing together red tape from strands of the rapidly unravelling French flag. The audacity of it! Secondly, anyone who has even an ounce (not a gram) of self-respect should favour one Breakfast over all others- a full English Breakfast. Much as the British media refers to Islamic State as ‘so-called’ to undermine its legitimacy, so it should refer to pain au raisins and all other constituent parts of the Continental equivalent as a so-called Breakfast, not just because of the sheer arrogance of putting custard in a Breakfast food, but because of the message this evil confectionery sends to our children- my kids shouldn’t be encouraged to believe that it’s normal to eat pain for breakfast. Instead, allow me to explain from my British position of British authority as a 100% British Brit, how a Full English Breakfast should be made, ingredient by British ingredient, in a way that helps ensure British continuity against a tide of distinctly non-British goings on in today’s world. Britain. First, and most important, is the bacon. No cured meat in sight here. As I fry it, I find myself drawn in not just by its pleasant aroma but also by the cathartic act of cooking the locally sourced non-Danish meat. It sits in the pan like a meaty strip of EU red tape, sizzling away as the oily will of the people overwhelms any attempt by parliament to overturn Article 50. Next, we have the eggs. In a soft breakfast, these might be scrambled, or boiled. But this is a hard breakfast, so the eggs should be made into a yellow paste that is then downed in a pint glass. As I pound them on the edge of a bowl, a morsel of shell falls in with the contents of the eggs. Like a brave political martyr standing up against the mainstream media, I rescue my eggs by delicately scraping the shell out with a fork. Conveniently as I do so, I hear Nigel Farage roaring with delight on the radio. “This is our indepeggdence day”, he exclaims. I stand to attention and salute one of the hundreds of British flags I have draped around my house, which is a subtle metaphor for patriotism. This will hopefully stop Tim Farron from trying to steal my hard breakfast. Another important part of the process is the making of some sausages. These have to be pork sausages, as I am completely opposed to Turkey joining my Breakfast. Thick, meaty, and golden brown, they remind me of the golden age back when the EU was just a trading bloc, before all the immigrants started coming over here taking our jobs, taking our NHS, and stealing my benefits with their Muslamic ray guns. Insisting on pork sausages will hopefully dissuade any Muslims from coming within 300 miles of my house after we quietly accept freedom of movement. One must not forget the hash browns. The cooking of these is always accompanied in my house by a rousing performance of God Save the Queen, which I like to refer to as the Hashional Anthem. Note at this Jean-Claude Juncture that it’s not the EU anthem, which does not fulfil the basic function of any anthem - to remind me of Spitfires. If the sausages fail as a part of my wider immigrant deterrent, we can always flood the channel tunnel with hash browns, given that I perform this ritual roughly every 5.8 seconds. In fact, owing to the massive immigrant-fuelled rise in London house prices, I moved up North to ensure enough floor space was available to contain 8 industrial freezers’ worth of potatoes – and Donald Tusk, whom I will eventually unfreeze to show him how much better off we all are outside the EU. The final core ingredient is baked beans. While Heinz is arguably the superior brand, it sounds too German to me, so I use Branston beans. As I open the can, I am reminded of the fact that Britain is now definitely opening itself up to trade freely with the world. I don’t pay to use my can opener, so it seems preposterous that one would pay to stay in the EU single market. David Davis should take heed, because Breakfast beans Breakfast (in other words, I will throw a can of beans at him). While other ingredients can be added, I like to keep it simple so I have more time to count through the articles in the Daily Mail until I reach Article 50. The final step is to serve the Breakfast with a squirt of HP (Houses of Parliament, not European Parliament) sauce, in a similar way to how Theresa May proudly serves her country in negotiating the delicious bread and butter of our very hard breakfast. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]] ]

(set: $eur to "sov")(if: $worst is "eur")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4444: Takes, and the Hottening of Them'' <==> Dear student, you clearly have strong view on the European Society biannual publication, Eureka. It is therefore advised that you take ESPS's new optative module, //Takes, and the Hottening of Them//. This module will give you all the tools you need to come up with a hotter take than "the English are a bit frigid sometimes". Unless you could do that already. Who knows! I'm withholding judgement here! The assessment for this module is staring intently at a photograph of former editor Ido Vock until you start crying. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ (if: $annoy is "pun")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4444: Takes, and the Hottening of Them'' <==> Dear student, you clearly have strong view on the European Society biannual publication, Eureka. It is therefore advised that you take ESPS's new optative module, //Takes, and the Hottening of Them//. This module will give you all the tools you need to come up with a hotter take than "the English are a bit frigid sometimes". Unless you could do that already. Who knows! I'm withholding judgement here! The assessment for this module is staring intently at a photograph of former editor Ido Vock until you start crying. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]] ]]

(set: $eur to "clu") =><= ''Next. If you were an ESPS student rep, what student issue would you raise?'' <==> [[The continued nonexistence of an ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land]] [[The possibility of taking a cheeky marijuana in the common room]] [[The massive pile of old Eureka issues someone keeps leaving in the corner]] [[Why you think the entire faculty budget should be spent on edgy brunch]] [[Alessandro Spano somehow teaching modules about China in a faculty that literally has "European" in its name]] [[A Knighthood for Andrew King]]

=><= ''You Got: ESPS0591: European Boat and Political Orgies'' <==> Friend, you clearly understand the continued importance of the ESPS Boat-Themed Orgy on Land as a meme central to the ESPS canon, and, indeed, all our lives. On this module you will learn how to get permission from the local council, what actually constitutes a "boat theme", and how to alienate all of your friends on your course as you literally try to convince them to attend a real life boat-themed orgy on land. Maybe a wine reception'll do, actually? The assessment for this module is continuous; if you haven't been arrested for deviant behavior by the end of term, you get an 81. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]

(if: $worst is "bac") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4200: A Weed-Centric Spotify Playlist'' <==> That's right, ESPS is actually teaching this module for the 2018-19 academic year. It consists of 10 two hour seminars in which all attendants will go on Spotify and make a playlist that is well suited for getting really, really high. The assessment for this module is how banging your choons are. If the choons are not banging, you fail. However, the examiner will definitely be high as a kite the whole time so a successive run on the Soviet National Anthem will probably net you a 66, at least. Basically, this module is a doss. Andrew King is concerned that the convenor is secretly a dealer. We are concerned that the convenor is secretly Andrew King. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]] ] (else:) [ (if: $eur is "ren") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4200: A Weed-Centric Spotify Playlist'' <==> That's right, ESPS is actually teaching this module for the 2018-19 academic year. It consists of 10 two hour seminars in which all attendants will go on Spotify and make a playlist that is well suited for getting really, really high. The assessment for this module is how banging your choons are. If the choons are not banging, you fail. However, the examiner will definitely be high as a kite the whole time so a successive run on the Soviet National Anthem will probably net you a 66, at least. Basically, this module is a doss. Andrew King is concerned that the convenor is secretly a dealer. We are concerned that the convenor is secretly Andrew King. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]] ] (else:) [ (if: $annoy is "veg") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4200: A Weed-Centric Spotify Playlist'' <==> That's right, ESPS is actually teaching this module for the 2018-19 academic year. It consists of 10 two hour seminars in which all attendants will go on Spotify and make a playlist that is well suited for getting really, really high. The assessment for this module is how banging your choons are. If the choons are not banging, you fail. However, the examiner will definitely be high as a kite the whole time so a successive run on the Soviet National Anthem will probably net you a 66, at least. Basically, this module is a doss. Andrew King is concerned that the convenor is secretly a dealer. We are concerned that the convenor is secretly Andrew King. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]] ] (else:) [ (if: $eur is "ren") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4200: A Weed-Centric Spotify Playlist'' <==> That's right, ESPS is actually teaching this module for the 2018-19 academic year. It consists of 10 two hour seminars in which all attendants will go on Spotify and make a playlist that is well suited for getting really, really high. The assessment for this module is how banging your choons are. If the choons are not banging, you fail. However, the examiner will definitely be high as a kite the whole time so a successive run on the Soviet National Anthem will probably net you a 66, at least. Basically, this module is a doss. Andrew King is concerned that the convenor is secretly a dealer. We are concerned that the convenor is secretly Andrew King. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]] ] (else:) [ =><= ''Okay, this is the final question. Make or break. Farage or Le Pen?'' <==> [[Nigel Farage]] [[Marine Le Pen]] ]]]]

(set: $star to "eur") (if: $worst is "eur") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4444: Takes, and the Hottening of Them'' <==> Dear student, you clearly have strong view on the European Society biannual publication, Eureka. It is therefore advised that you take ESPS's new optative module, //Takes, and the Hottening of Them//. This module will give you all the tools you need to come up with a hotter take than "the English are a bit frigid sometimes". Unless you could do that already. Who knows! I'm withholding judgement here! The assessment for this module is staring intently at a photograph of former editor Ido Vock until you start crying. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ (if: $eur is "sov") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS4444: Takes, and the Hottening of Them'' <==> Dear student, you clearly have strong view on the European Society biannual publication, Eureka. It is therefore advised that you take ESPS's new optative module, //Takes, and the Hottening of Them//. This module will give you all the tools you need to come up with a hotter take than "the English are a bit frigid sometimes". Unless you could do that already. Who knows! I'm withholding judgement here! The assessment for this module is staring intently at a photograph of former editor Ido Vock until you start crying. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''Okay, this is the final question. Make or break. Farage or Le Pen?'' <==> [[Nigel Farage]] [[Marine Le Pen]] ]]

(if: $specialisation is "and")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0001: Andrew King: The Beginning and End of Everything'' <==> This module was created in response to an overwhelming series of lurid messages sent to ESPS Programme Administrator Andrew King via Whatsapp in the summer of 1492. A flurry of paragraphs in one of the later letters revealed that the sender knew the secrets of the ESPS Programme Administrators. After all, how does someone end up with the surname "King" without a good reason? It turns out the man's actually omnipotent, omnipresent and omnivorous, which explains the rapid email reply speed, his continued appearance in ESPS memes, and his love of chicken caesar salad, respectively. On this module, you'll learn about all three of those things, and literally nothing else - because revealing the secrets of the Andrew King letters would mean the end of days. Also UCL has a strict privacy policy. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]] ] (else:)[ (if: $worst is "and")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0001: Andrew King: The Beginning and End of Everything'' <==> This module was created in response to an overwhelming series of lurid messages sent to ESPS Programme Administrator Andrew King via Whatsapp in the summer of 1492. A flurry of paragraphs in one of the later letters revealed that the sender knew the secrets of the ESPS Programme Administrators. After all, how does someone end up with the surname "King" without a good reason? It turns out the man's actually omnipotent, omnipresent and omnivorous, which explains the rapid email reply speed, his continued appearance in ESPS memes, and his love of chicken caesar salad, respectively. On this module, you'll learn about all three of those things, and literally nothing else - because revealing the secrets of the Andrew King letters would mean the end of days. Also UCL has a strict privacy policy. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]](else:) [ (if: $live is "and")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0001: Andrew King: The Beginning and End of Everything'' <==> This module was created in response to an overwhelming series of lurid messages sent to ESPS Programme Administrator Andrew King via Whatsapp in the summer of 1492. A flurry of paragraphs in one of the later letters revealed that the sender knew the secrets of the ESPS Programme Administrators. After all, how does someone end up with the surname "King" without a good reason? It turns out the man's actually omnipotent, omnipresent and omnivorous, which explains the rapid email reply speed, his continued appearance in ESPS memes, and his love of chicken caesar salad, respectively. On this module, you'll learn about all three of those things, and literally nothing else - because revealing the secrets of the Andrew King letters would mean the end of days. Also UCL has a strict privacy policy. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]](else:)[ =><= ''Okay, this is the final question. Make or break. Farage or Le Pen?'' <==> [[Nigel Farage]] [[Marine Le Pen]] ]]]

(set: $star to "bru") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS5183: Why Do I Get So Angry When Commoners Talk Politics At Me?'' <==> This ESPS module is designed specifically for those ESPS students who probably a) identify as being exceedingly middle class and b) have a laugh that outs them as being intrinsically posh. The assessment for this module is spending 2 hours having drinks with someone whose only political background is spending 10 minutes each day retweeting the Guardian on Twitter. You have to talk about Brexit. Hey, at least it's not as bad as //ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why//! This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]]

(set: $star to "spa") (if: $specialisation is "law") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS一千零一个: The Inexplicable Chinese Module Alessandro Spano is Teaching This Term'' <==> This ESPS module is all about Chinese Law! It is related in absolutely no way to anything moderately European! Dr. Spano will invite all of his friends from China and use them to "provoke you". Nowhere in the module transcript is it explained what this "provoking" consists of. However, it is advised that all students bring a full set of medieval chain mail to seminars. Be prepared. The assessment for this module is "nutella". Seriously, Spano? Seriously?? This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]](else:) [ =><= ''Okay, this is the final question. Make or break. Farage or Le Pen?'' <==> [[Nigel Farage]] [[Marine Le Pen]]]

=><= ''You Got: ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why'' <==> No! Why?! Why would you choose this module?! You fools! //ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why//, is a module made in partnership with the European Union that aims to best illustrate to all europhile students just how fucking abhorrent Brexit is going to be, as if they didn't bloody well know already. The module begins with a massive fall in the strength of the pound, followed by a huge increase in the price of goods. The negative repercussions continue exponentially for an infinite number of weeks until the Brexit issue is officially settled. If the United Kingdom ends up remaining in the European Union, each student taking the module will receive a small piece of fudge and 18 Euro cents as recompense for having to endure this horrifying farce. If the United Kingdom follows through with "the will of the people", however, the European Union will transform into a giant robot and destroy 33-35 Torrington Place. Also, you get a 2:2. Fuck. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]

(if: $worst is "bre") [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why'' <==> No! Why?! Why would you choose this module?! You fools! //ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why//, is a module made in partnership with the European Union that aims to best illustrate to all europhile students just how fucking abhorrent Brexit is going to be, as if they didn't bloody well know already. The module begins with a massive fall in the strength of the pound, followed by a huge increase in the price of goods. The negative repercussions continue exponentially for an infinite number of weeks until the Brexit issue is officially settled. If the United Kingdom ends up remaining in the European Union, each student taking the module will receive a small piece of fudge and 18 Euro cents as recompense for having to endure this horrifying farce. If the United Kingdom follows through with "the will of the people", however, the European Union will transfrom into a giant robot and destroy 33-35 Torrington Place. Also, you get a 2:2. Fuck. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ (if: $live is "lon")[ =><= ''You Got: ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why'' <==> No! Why?! Why would you choose this module?! You fools! //ESPS0623: Brexit, Oh God Why//, is a module made in partnership with the European Union that aims to best illustrate to all europhile students just how fucking abhorrent Brexit is going to be, as if they didn't bloody well know already. The module begins with a massive fall in the strength of the pound, followed by a huge increase in the price of goods. The negative repercussions continue exponentially for an infinite number of weeks until the Brexit issue is officially settled. If the United Kingdom ends up remaining in the European Union, each student taking the module will receive a small piece of fudge and 18 Euro cents as recompense for having to endure this horrifying farce. If the United Kingdom follows through with "the will of the people", however, the European Union will transfrom into a giant robot and destroy 33-35 Torrington Place. Also, you get a 2:2. Fuck. This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]] (else:) [ =><= ''You Got: ESPS1789: Introduction to Being Exceedingly French'' <==> Dear ESPS Student, You have forsaken your country and all it holds dear. For this crime you are sentenced to //ESPS1789: Introduction to Being Exceedingly French.// I'm not even going to try and write a summary of this one, but you probably get the idea. It's basically if Philippe Marliere was immortalised in module form. Note that all croissants that are not sufficiently curvy are banned from this module, as is the burqa (too soon?) This is the end of the quiz. [[Want to go again?->Welcome to the Quiz!]]]]

(set: $specialisation to "law") =><= ''Okay, this one's a little harder. What's the worst thing that's happened in the last decade?'' <==> [[Brexit, obviously]] [[The backlash against social justice]] [[Choosing Kristin Bakke as my dissertation supervisor]] [[When I didn't get into Berghain]] [[Eureka Magazine]] [[My continued inability to chirpse Andrew King]] [[When the Circle Line stopped being a circle]]